Money & Love

Just 12.5% of people in a partnership shares all their finances with their partner and 40% choose to keep their finances completely separate, according to a recent report by TSB.

Money worries are actually the biggest strain on couples across the UK - with over a quarter saying they experience this pressure, that's according to Relate's report on the nation’s relationships, 'The Way We Are Now.'

Despite its influence on how happy we are in our relationships, a large proportion of us feel unable to actually talk about money with our partners. Couples are more likely to talk about whether or not to have pets before discussing their own financial situation, according to a report by Lloyds Bank which claimed that half of UK adults feel that discussing money is taboo, and 44% have avoided talking about money with their partner.

The survey, which asked 18-35 year-olds in the UK about the importance of money matters in relationships, found that hiding money problems from a partner is a bigger long term relationship blocker (21%) than a partner showing a lack of ambition (9%), a different sense of humour (8%), and different hobbies and interests (7%).

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Who Pays The Bill On A First Date?

1st Date: The first financial discussion that most couples have is often on their first date: Who will pay for dinner? The man might feel under conflicting pressures, the tradition of offering to pay but not wanting to suggest the women is not an equal partner in the debt and perhaps much more able to pay. A review of studies in Psychology Today suggests that for many the roles remain quite traditional. Research by Emmers-Sommer et al. (2010) acknowledged that abundant research indicates that heterosexual dating scripts remain quite traditional, with the man expected to ask a woman out, and to pay for the date.Their study further revealed that although modern singles believe it is appropriate for either party to initiate a first date, in reality, most men still do so.

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How To Talk About Money

Share A Money Goal: A subtle way to bring up finances is to share a money goal, either for yourself or jointly, for instance saving for a holiday, new carpet, a picture you want or something for yourself.

Avoid Blame: Try to keep emotions in check. Focus on actionable things, such as setting up a standing order to put money aside for savings, or set up Direct Debits to make sure bills are paid on time, rather than going down a path of someone is rubbish and someone brilliant at handling their money.

Make a plan: The key is to create manageable steps not just setting unrealistic goals. So a savings goal for each month which won't leave you too tight for cash or a shared splurge goal - such as 'we will eat out once a month'.

Some Things To Consider When Joining Your Finances

Setting Boundaries: Discuss setting a spending limit, so anything above that amount will need a joint decision before you buy it.

Independent Spending: If you are creating a joint account of some sort, regardless and separate from whether one partner earns a lot more than the other or has a lot more savings, it might be worth discussing how much each of you should put in their personal budget for their own shopping choices, including clothes, going out on their own or with friends or for hobbies etc.

Am I Legally Responsible For My Partner's Debts?

You are not automatically responsible for your partner's finance but that changes if you have joint financial commitments such as Joint Loans, credit cards or bank accounts. It also gets more complicated if your partner runs up bad debts and baliffs come to seize shared household assets. A guide to shared financial commitments is published by the credit rating agency Experian. It says:

Generally speaking, a person is only responsible for their own debt. If your name isn’t on the credit agreement and you didn’t sign the contract, or act as a guarantor, then in most circumstances you can’t be chased for payment.

Being married to someone doesn’t mean you inherit their debts. If you don’t have joint finances, like a mortgage or joint bank account, then you can’t be made liable. The same goes if you change your surname when you get married. While it will be updated on your credit report, you’re not legally bound to pay credit agreements in your partner’s name.

Some Exceptions: Some bills, such as council tax, are different. Even if your name isn’t on a council tax agreement, you can be pursued for any arrears if you are over 18 and lived in the property when the debt arose.

Joint Credit Cards?: Contrary to popular belief, there is no such thing as a joint credit card in the UK, so credit cards do not create financial associations. If you allow someone else to become an ‘additional cardholder’ on your credit card account, you remain solely responsible for how the account is run and, as a result, it will only show on your own credit report.

Rent: Also, paying rent together does not create financial associations on your credit report. If you agreed to act as guarantor for a partner’s debt, this doesn’t usually create a financial association on your credit report. However, if your partner fails to pay then the lender can pursue you instead and your credit report could be affected.

Divorce: If you and your partner separate or divorce, both of you are liable for any joint debts. That doesn’t mean you owe just half the money – the lender can ask you for the full amount if they can’t get it from the other person. Unfortunately, this can still be the case if one person withdraws a large sum, or runs up large joint debts, without the other’s knowledge.

If you’re going through a break-up and are worried about your joint accounts, contact your bank and lenders as soon as possible. They should be able to freeze any accounts to prevent any unauthorised activity.

Joint accounts

Setting up a joint account together is an act of serious trust.

It both reflects the nature of your relationship but can also affect it. This is particularly true if one partner is more financially independent than the other. If one partner is a non-earner or earns significantly less than the other partner, unless they have joint and equal access to the joint account, it will enforce a power imbalance in the relationship. This may in turn create emotional strains in the relationship as one partner feels they do not have agency or independence and come to resent their wealthier partner for the control they exert over the household decisions.

Having a joint account is also a declaration of commitment. A study in June, 2023, showed that moving in together generally wasn't enough of a reason, but having children or getting married was. But generally, the study found that having a joint account was less commonplace than you might think.

A study at the University of Georgia found that couples who are both earning, were about 50% less likely to pool their finances.

Couples who engaged in open conversations about money and agreed on their approach were more than twice as likely to combine their accounts. The authors said that "This finding aligns with existing research showing that pooling resources tends to contribute to marital stability."

Other Things To Consider

Linked Credit Files: When you set up a joint bank account, a financial link is created between the account holders. In the future, you apply for a mortgage, credit card or loan, the lender could choose to view the credit files of the person you're linked to as well as yours.

Either Partner Can Withdraw The Lot: Money in a joint account belongs to both partners, individually and jointly. That means either one could choose to withdraw the lot. There might be a way round this, in asking the bank to establish a 'two to sign' set up, where you both usually need to be present in a branch to access any funds or make payments. But this will restrict how you use the account and if you are that worried I'd think twice about setting up a joint account in the first place.

Keep Joint and Individual Accounts: While it can be a great idea to have a joint account to handle joint expenses, it can also be an idea to have individual accounts as well. You both (if both are earning) would then contribute t a joint account but also contribute to your individual accounts. This gives you a private source of money which the other partner doesn't have sight of and enables you to spend without the need to consult or affect the other partner. As with all these joint finances issues, this is often as important emotionally as it is financially. It gives each partner a sense of independence and can reduce strain in the marriage. Having a joint account is not all in and all out decision. You can have both a joint and an individual account.

No Overdraft: Consider asking your bank to block any overdraft facility. That way your partner can't run up debts for which you would be liable.

Coercive Control

Financial abuse is a form of domestic violence. It can include forcing a person to add them to their bank account but can also include pressuring them to take out debt, emotionally blackmailing them to pay their bills, restricting access to money, or taking a partner's money with forced permission.

Economic abuse is now included in the definition of domestic abuse within the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, so it is a crime. Women's Aid published a report in 2019 into relationship abuse and claimed that:

• Nearly a third of respondents said their access to money during the relationship was controlled by the perpetrator.
  

• A quarter of respondents said that their partner did not let them have money for essentials during the relationship.
  

• A third of respondents had to give up their home as a result of the abuse or leaving the relationship and nine found themselves homeless as a result of leaving.
  

• Two-fifths of all respondents who had left said they had difficulty accessing welfare benefits.
  

• Nearly half of respondents who had left had to pay legal fees as a result of leaving (eg divorce, child contact/custody and housing).

Where To Get Help If You Feel You Are Being Financially Bullied or Abused:

If you’re concerned about an older person experiencing financial abuse, or are in this situation yourself, you can contact Hourglass on its 24/7 helpline – 0808 808 8141 – or visit wearehourglass.org. Alternatively, contact your local adult social services.

If you have concerns about a registered lasting power of attorney, contact the OPG by emailing opg.safeguardingunit@publicguardian.gov.uk, or calling 0115 934 2777.

If you’re experiencing financial abuse by a partner or ex-partner, you can contact Surviving Economic Abuse on 0808 196 8845 for specialist help and support. You can also visit its survivor forum at survivingeconomicabuse.org